Loose Ends

Loose Ends

the creative impulse gone awry

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

a love story

 I am often charmed to remember this day, 18 years ago, when I sent my secret love a carnation with a very cryptic note- "It's a secret and I'll never tell" which was a reference, entirely vague, about a conversation we had had the week earlier about something my friend Sarah had said that I would, apparently, never repeat.  What the secret was regarding Sarah, I do not remember.  I do remember that Josh took another girl to the valentine's day dance and I, wearing what I thought was a totally fetching long pleated skirt and peach colored top, was devastated.  The following day Josh went off to a trip to Greece with a school group where, after repeated prodding of who, who could possibly have sent that secret admirer carnation, my friend Amanda spilled the beans. 

That week, I remember, was particularly tough for me.  My dad was engaged to be married (which we all thought at the time was a really bad idea), my mom was having some health issues which could possibly have included a cancer diagnosis and we were all waiting for test results, and my secret crush liked some other girl and was in Greece with one of my best friends.  I was lonely, it was vacation week and I was depressed.  It's all so cute, really.

By the end of the week, my father had decided to not get married and my mom's tests said no cancer.  Things were looking up. The Saturday after everyone got back from Greece the theatre group met for rehearsal and my friend Amanda told me she revealed the sender of Josh's secret admirer carnation and I was mortified for those few moments until she said the feeling was mutual and he was planning on asking me on a date.  Woo hoo!  Of course, Josh, being Josh, did so in such a casual way with a group of people around that my friend Jen came along.  Ultra romantic.  We all went to a movie, Ace Ventura Pet Detective.  It all seems so sweet to me now -- that I never knew he wore glasses until we got to the theater and he put them on, and he was so dreamy (and still is, thank you!).  How impressed I was that he knew a band that was playing in the movie... (cannibal corpse, yes I know... delightful name, but teenage boys listen to some interesting music)

It was a full moon that night, he dropped Jen off at her house first and we kissed sitting in the car in my driveway.  I remember he told me, "we should do this again sometime" and with that, there we were, together.  When he went to college we talked about it and we decided we would be together until that time where we found a better deal, until, for lack of better words, someone better came along.  Frankly, no one has ever come close.  I giggle knowing that our story of coming together will always read like a cheesy YA novel.  Oh well, I was FIFTEEN!

Try as I might to screw it all up several times by being selfish and heartless and dumb he has been with me all the way.  He is the most forgiving and generous person I know.  He is most certainly my better half and I work everyday to be the partner that he deserves, because he deserves the very best.  Trying to be a better person for him means I'm a better person for everyone.  He is not the man of my dreams, he is the man of my life, my partner, the father of my babies, the person I want to be with always.  I miss him when he's gone for 5 minutes and a night without him is like eternity.  18 years ago I knew he was the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with and I'm so glad I was right.  I had no idea how beautiful (and hard and wonderful and challenging) a life it would be -- and really, it's only just begun.

Josh in Greece (wearing my sunglasses no less!)
Josh, Az, and Alan graduate from high school, I lurk.
Josh and me on the way to the Phila symphony when I was at Bryn Mawr.

Josh and me -- my junior year at Bryn Mawr.
Josh on the Northern Californian coast on a trip we took after he graduated from Brown.
on our wedding day (obvious caption award)
Clara, Josh, and me November 2007 (our beautiful cousin -- kimindresanophotography.com)
Josh and Zoë July 2010
Josh and Zoë December 2010
do you see my heart?  it's right there -- all of it.  July 2011
Sweetie, I love you, as Clara would say, to the end of the world and back fifty forty-two thirty times.  I know that I'm not always the easiest person to love, but I'm so glad you have always been up for the challenge. 

4 comments:

product junky said...

that was lovely. *sniffle*
-Lo

Amanda said...

Love it! Honestly I had no recollection of my involvement in all of this, but now I am very happy that I was apparantly unable to keep my big mouth shut! XOXO

beth said...

I'm all sorts of teary at work.
I love you both.
--beth

Liz M said...

Awwwwww I remember when Josh was the cool mysterious upper classman when I was at Brown, and I knew he had a girlfriend someeeehwere, but I wasn't sure where. I never asked, because I was shy. After all, he was an upperclassman! Much cooler than me, by default. :)

I miss you guys.