Loose Ends

Loose Ends

the creative impulse gone awry

Monday, November 21, 2011

hello again, friends.

You know it's funny.  I just read my last post and it totally had a teaser- and then no follow-up.  It was never my intention to take such a long hiatus from the blog, but these things happen. I was pondering last night why I have found it so difficult to get a post out in the past 7 months and then I looked at the date on that last post and it was a little less than a month before Zoë's first birthday.  It struck me why and I have to be honest and most of it was fear.  fear?  yes, fear. 

I am amused by looking back at the blog posts from the first months after she was born.  That was honestly one of the most difficult times in my life.  The transition from 1 to 2 children was very challenging for me, I had a hard time still feeling close to Clara when this little screaming newborn was thrown into the mix.  Clara was then and is now (again) the 2nd greatest love of my life (you know, I actually still love that husband of mine) and the feeling of my heart stretching to find room for Zoë at times felt like there was really less room for Clara.  It was heartbreaking for me.

Add to that the stress of Zoë's (albeit minor and easy to repair) Hip Dyplasia, her issues with food- me giving up dairy?  did that even happen?  and Clara deciding to potty train 2 weeks after the Zone was born?  and then Clara fully embracing what it meant to be 3?  Ugh.  Honestly, just thinking about it threw me into a panic.

So as I approached Zoë's birthday I was reminded at once of what felt like the glory days of my relationship with Clara and then the tremendous stress of her first few months.  I panicked and shut down.  I didn't want to look at pictures, I didn't want to plan an elaborate party for Zoë, I just couldn't.  I am a very seasonal person- I listen to the same music in the summer, every summer, I eat the same foods, as the seasons change I have different levels of energy for certain activities... so confronted with the time of year that Zoë was born I freaked out!

A funny thing happened a couple of weeks ago (sheesh, it was probably more like two months ago- but the past 6 weeks have been CRAZY for other reasons) I bought a new computer and it had a bunch of pre-loaded crap on it and I needed to figure out what it was and delete/uninstall a bunch of it.  I clicked on the snapfish link and saw a pretty amazing deal on prints.  It was a few weeks before Clara's birthday and I wanted to put together Zoë's first year album and the deal was great enough to get Clara's prints for her 4th year album.  So I took a deep breath and started looking back at all those moments from Zoë's first year.  Instead of being reminded of all of the pain, anguish, and difficulty of that year I was reminded of all the fun we managed to have.  Yes, 99% of the pictures are us in the living room and us in the front yard.  But we did have fun.  I remembered weird things that Zoë did and just how smiley that kid is.  It was like a light went off in my head and the darkness started to creep back to the corners where it belonged and I could finally see again.  I could find a way to share again.

truthfully we have made enormous progress, my heart stretched plenty to fully embrace both of my sweet (and crazy) girls, I have figured out a little bit how to do this whole mommy of 2 thing and looking at those pictures reminded me of how far we have come, how much we have done and really how I'm not all that bad at this parenting/person thing after all.  (one has many dark thoughts when the lights are out up there.)

So hello, again.  I'm hoping to start dusting off this blog- I have ideas and photos for a bunch of posts.  It's going to take a while to get me back in the habit (and the past 6 weeks- 10 trips to the doctor for our family total... so I'm still trying to recover from pneumonia and get the girls through this most recent cold) but I hope you will still be interested in my little musings about life, family, crafting, and whatever else happens to come into my mind.  It's good to be back- and here's a little sampling of what we've been up to while I've been (emotionally) hiding in the corner:

Zoë turned one- I made her a tiny cheesecake, it was full of win!

 Mother's day- the outtakes are hilarious and have several outfit changes!

 We went to Portland, OR and loved nearly every minute (especially in the Children's Museum!)

 Zoë cut about 13,000 teeth

 Clara and I planted a garden with mixed results - lots of fun not so lots of food.

 Clara started gymnastics- and boy did her mood (and strength, and confidence) improve!

 We went on a little vacay to Maine with dear friends and watched our kids connect with them - magic.
 Zoë became an omnivore (thank you 13,000 teeth!)

We had a hurricane- and only lost power for 24hours (lucky!)


Well- those are the highlights, you are basically caught up.  There is more and a lot of it will be here in the coming weeks and months.  Thank you for your patience and I'll see you here soon.  I promise!

4 comments:

Kristen said...

kim...thank you for posting this. I've had a hard time finding room for my brett too. -kristen (from ap playgroup in providence)

Liz M said...

You look beautiful in the photo with them, and that Clara, she is so pretty I bet if she'd like to some day she could be a model :) A model-neurosurgeon.

I can understand about the things one is afraid to confront, the dark places in one's mind that one tries to shut out... I am glad you've managed to slam the door for a while!

Kim said...

Kristen- everyone says your heart stretches to provide enough love to all of your children... i just didn't think it would be so painful. I am only now starting to feel okay about how differently I connect to both girls, how they need me in completely different ways and that is just okay (and more importantly totally out of my control)

Kim said...

Liz- seriously about Clara- sometimes I am blown away by her beauty. zoe is so cute i just want to roll her in sugar and eat her with coffee like a little donut (in a completely non-cannibalistic way of course) but clara is just stunning. i really don't know how josh and i managed to have such a pretty child. it reminds me of seeing movie stars parents and how they are often just normal looking people. strange.